You think you are failing.
As far as you know, life is about checking boxes and keeping score. Get into this school, get these grades, marry this type of man, get this kind of job, live a picture perfect life. But your reality doesn’t add up to these ideals, so you play pretend and you avoid the truth. To make sure that no one else sees you failing, you hide the holes in your ship and you smile as it sinks.
Even in the thick of your confusion, you want to be a light and you want to be a force. You want to save others but you don’t know how to save yourself. You busy yourself with covering your holes instead of filling them. You are sinking and you wonder how far you will go before you hit the bottom.
I’ve come to tell you to trust your circumstances, trust your accidents and the puzzles that show up in your life. There will be many and each one will bless you immensely if you let it. Each one will teach you that you are not in control and that letting go and letting love take over is the key to finding out who you are.
I can't tell you exactly when it will happen. But somewhere along the way, you will decide that you are a star. Not the kind of star who lives for the applause, but the kind that shines brightly in her own life, showing up as courage and inspiration for those who are open to receive it. You will begin to embrace the idea that you have always been a star and everything you’ve gone through has only been to make you shine brighter.
There will be times when you want to give up and doubt will close in on you. Looking at where you are and where you want to be, there will be days when you smile at the gap and then there will be others where you cry and fall apart, convinced that you are not strong enough to be all you can be.
Remember that love is your strength and to grow in love is your only job here. Sometimes you will resist. Your cracks and scars will show and they will be stared at and you will need to be shameless. Give yourself permission to keep growing and becoming. You will notice the difference, the weight that is lifted when you stop pretending and growth becomes your reason.
You will remember when perfection was your reason and it eluded you. How acceptance was your reason and it disappointed you. Having tried everything else and finding yourself back at one, you will have to let go and see what happens. When you leap, your flight may be wild but you will be free and you’ll realize that this is the feeling you wanted all along.
You don’t want the illusions and the fake smiles and the tightness of perfection. You want the full swing of freedom. To not worry about mistakes and regrets your whole life but to tell stories about the chances you took, the people you met, the things you created and how it all felt.
This may not all make sense to you now. But you are not failing. Every end is a beginning. You will be amazed at the life you can create with an open heart and a hopeful mind. Just keep going.
GG Renee is an independent author, a creativity coach, a feeler and an overthinker. She writes for women who crave honest dialogue and inspiration for the joys and challenges they face every day. Blog // Twitter // Instagram